The Aftermath…

To those who feel they can’t go on, I want to share some truths from someone who lost the love of their life.

The pain I live with every day is unbearable. It’s a kind of pain that defies description, unless you’ve experienced a loss so profound it tears your heart into pieces. I am no longer the person I was before he left, and I never will be again. I exist in a world where I’m just breathing, just functioning, because the grief is so overwhelming.

Grief doesn’t just break your heart. It reshapes your identity.

Who I was before no longer fits.

There is no “going back to normal.”

There is only learning how to live differently.

Every day, I ask myself what I could have done differently. I torture my mind with all the little things I should have said, should have done, if only I had another chance. I miss him more than anyone can see. People think I’m okay, but I’m just surviving. I’ve cried every day since he left. Tears no one sees. Pain no one feels. Missing him is an endless heartache that never goes away.

And here’s the truth:

When you try to take away your pain, you’re not ending it - you’re passing it on.

To those who love you deeply.

To those who would give anything to keep you here.

I wish you knew how loved you really were.

I wish you had spoken to someone.

I wish you had confided in a friend who could have held space for your pain.

I wish you were still here.

The ones we miss the most are often the ones we never imagined we’d have to live without. And now that I live without you, I don’t know how to live at all. Life goes on, but it will never be the same.

Not only do I carry this grief, our children do too.

They lost their superhero.

Their daddy.

Their role model.

Their best friend.

They miss you in the little things:

Watching the footy and yelling at the TV.

Sneaking chocolates from Nanna’s house.

Your cuddles. Your laughter.

It’s the little things they miss most, every single day.

They wish every day that you hadn’t left.

They want you back home.

I once asked grief how long it planned to stay.

It answered:

“For as many days as you continue to love them.”

So I guess grief and I will be spending a lifetime together.